I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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