I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize