We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
They have beer where we have blood.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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