She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
