Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
