it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize