Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
