At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize