I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
ttyl tear gas
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
