You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
