how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
