I wannas sexs uuuuu
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
