I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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