i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
