so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
