new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
