there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
His nipple licking is glorious
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