god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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