I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like abortions should bother me more
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
