I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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