i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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