areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
