Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
