I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Did I show you my penis last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
