The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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