I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
