Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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