apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
