wrigley field is MILF paradise
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize