I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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