Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
