The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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