he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my shit smells like andre
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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