I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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