Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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