i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
