you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
