Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
