I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
