he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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