Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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