I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
