I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
