Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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