she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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