I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize