I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
