Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
