I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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