2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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