my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
