ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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