you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
