U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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